Personal Reflection

This year, at some point, I felt better and more at peace. I was doing better, probably because of medicine. I was doing well in IITM courses, though I did skip the projects, and I found happiness in daydreaming. Before this, I felt hopeless—I thought I couldn’t do anything, everything was overwhelming, and I had given up on life. Back then, I was just trying to stay afloat, let things happen, and avoid stress. My goal was simply to do things without getting overwhelmed, to be happy, and not be bogged down. I didn’t want to be stressed or depressed because, at that time, it felt pointless.

As things started happening and I realized I could manage life, I began having goals and expectations for the future. Before, I had already given up, thinking I couldn’t do anything and wasn’t made for this world. But suddenly, I started thinking maybe I could go abroad, maybe I could survive in this world, and maybe I could take control of my life. I thought I might not need to hide in daydreams and could actually make a real life I wanted to live. This added pressure. I started trying to make my present so that my future wouldn’t be ruined, and that felt like too much. If I had stayed in the state of giving up and just trying to do well without overwhelming myself, I might have been more at peace—but then I started hoping, and that made everything harder.

I also feel like there’s no point in trying so hard to learn things when I don’t retain them. I studied MLT thoroughly—watching videos, making notes, doing free recall, learning big-picture and details—and got a B, which is okay but not what I wanted. I’ve forgotten most of it, my notes are scattered, and I probably couldn’t solve a quiz now. I failed the MLT programming workshop because I couldn’t practice while juggling IOU exams.

The same happens with other things: human physiology, precalculus, calculus, Korean, singing, drawing, webtoon panels, YouTube video series, and reading about social issues. I’ve tried, learned some, made some progress, but nothing is complete. Nothing stays. Skills fade, projects remain unfinished, notes are scattered. Even when something is partially learned, it doesn’t feel enough. I feel like I have nothing to show.

Everything feels like a stepping stone—once something is done, there’s always more to do. Even if I were able to produce something complete, it wouldn’t last forever or be enough. I’ve improved in some areas, like drawing, but I’m not satisfied, not confident, and I can’t earn from it. Progress exists, but it’s scattered, incomplete, and impermanent.

I can’t just relax or trust myself to enjoy the ride. I still have to figure things out and start systems and habits to actually make that possible. Things keep moving, and nothing really stays. I wish there were stability so I could just relax. Daydreaming helped before, but I can’t survive on that alone, and life interferes with it.